The Real Winner in Pennsylvania Tonight: Me!

I would like to thank my friend (possibly plural, but probably singular) who apparently cast a write-in vote for me in today's Pennsylvania Republican Primary.

You know, I may have been outspent by at least 3-to-1 by John McCain in Pennsylvania, but did I give up? No! Except for when I cast my own ballot in Texas for Obama... that might be construed as giving up... but Obama won Texas so it's not a state that matters, unlike Pennsylvania, which totally matters!

I'm in this race for all the people who were told they couldn't win, and in fact, can't win, but won't admit it and keep on fighting for no apparent reason at all!

You know, my father was a doctor in Pittsburgh in the 1980s. He raised me to love fishing and the Piksburg Stillers and the P'rates and professional wrestling, which is totally not fake.

And so I am one of you, Pennsylvania! Even if I was born in Tennessee, spent most of my life in Texas, and don't really care about fishing, the Stillers, or wrestling anymore! Because you know my main opponent doesn't really like the WWE!

And, you know, I will continue to fight on in Indiana, North Carolina, and Guam even if it rips the Republican Party apart, because we need to focus on what really matters, like me winning!

Thank you Pennsylvania, and God Bless You.